Specific Behaviors That Show If Someone Is Healthy or Dysfunctional
When you know what to look for, identifying a good partner is actually kind of easy.
The trick is knowing exactly what specific behaviors are representative of someone who is unhealthy/unloving versus someone who is healthy/loving. It is absolutely crucial to not become emotionally attached to an unhealthy partner. Your well-being depends on it!
Find a good relationship by remaining unattached to a person as you spend some time with them in the beginning. Carefully and consciously look at their specific behaviors to determine if they are someone capable of love or not. It is sad but a lot of people are not! It’s really quite unbelievable what issues some people have. If you are a loving, good person the tendency will be for you to assume others are the same as you (this was what I always used to do). Even if someone does bad behaviors that you have a bad gut feeling about, you give them the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for them. But you should not.
Sorry, but you can’t rely on judging someone’s true character based on things like if they go to church and are religious, or if they have a high-profile job! You need to look at their actual specific behaviors to really know.
Do not have any tolerance for negative behaviors. Red flags are rarely ever huge acts, instead they almost always come in small things. Become familiar with the following lists to be able to discern what qualifies as someone you should instantaneously cut out of your life versus good, loving behaviors that represent someone who likely has the capacity to truly love you.
If someone you have started dating does ANY of the unhealthy behaviors my advice is to immediately drop them. The good thing is that an unhealthy person almost always shows some of these behaviors within the first three months (or even the first three dates!), so just remain emotionally unattached while you access their behavior.
Behaviors showing a person is mentally or emotionally unstable, narcissistic, unloving
- They need to be right. They try to fight it if someone thinks contrary to them.
- They are about self-preservation in general. It will appear in a variety of ways—peacocking, making sure others think something good about them, getting validation from the opposite sex, needing to make more money for happiness, etc. Their focus is not on the good of others it is trying to preserve and bolster their own self. (It’s always trying to make up for deep, dysfunctional lack they truly have inside.)
- They show upset sometimes about people in public, such as getting frustrated regarding a cashier or having a scuffle with someone else while parking or driving.
- They say bad things about others when they’re not around.
- They say things sometimes that are at their root racist or sexist.
- They sometimes or often don’t arrive on time, and don’t really seem to care or be bothered by it.
- If it’s a man, he rushes off after walking you to your car, instead of making sure you get the car started and drive off okay.
- They hide their phone screen, not wanting you to see it.
- If you are sick, they don’t offer to bring things to you or help out in other ways. If they do offer it seems half-assed.
- If something seems wrong with you, they themselves pull back and are less interested in you.
- They communicate only minimally with you about their feelings, and when they do it is superficial. Like a guy saying simply, “You’re pretty,” before kissing you.
- They hold some things or a lot of things back from you, and usually make excuses for why they’re not being open—such as saying it takes a long time for them to open up. Or they just won’t open their mouth about a topic even when you are clearly trying to discuss it with them.
- They lie sometimes.
- They are happy for you to do the things they want to do or for you to help them with things about their life, but do not show any or much enthusiasm about things you are into or things in your life. Things in your life are a *yawn* to them. If they are helping you with something, they don’t seem very happy about it, get bored, get tired, can’t do it very long, etc.
- They have history of lying and/or cheating in their life.
Behaviors showing a person is most likely healthy mentally and emotionally, and has the capacity to truly love others
- They don’t need to be right. If in a situation where it was shown they were wrong, it is no big deal whatsoever, it’s like it didn’t matter at all to them. They accept it and move on.
- Their focus is more on helping others than helping themselves. They are humble. They don’t need others to know good things they did or for others to think good things about them.
- They actively accommodate others, such as in public settings. Graciously letting others go in front of them, making physical room for others, saying kind things to others, staying patient.
- They say kind things about others when they are not around.
- They don’t say things that represent an underlying mindset of racism or sexism.
- They arrive on time. If not, they let others know ahead of time that they won’t be there on time and why, and it’s a rare occurrence. They seem to care if they are late and are sorry.
- If it’s a man, after walking you to your car he will hang around or walk off slowly and patiently to make sure you leave okay.
- They don’t always seem to be hiding their phone screen from you, you are able to look at it with them, even in the earlier stages of the relationship.
- If you are sick, they are very concerned and make any and all efforts they can to help you, including contacting you, bringing you things, etc.
- If something seems wrong with you, they make a lot of effort to talk to you, contact you, ask about it, figure out how to make it better, etc. Instead of pulling away from you they move toward you.
- They express their feelings to communicate with you deeply and frequently, like exclaiming “I’m so happy with you,” or “This is the best,” or “It’s amazing how I feel and how special this is,” etc.
- They are like an open book and nothing is off-limits to talk about. They share about themselves openly with you.
- They don’t lie.
- They seem to be even more happy to help you with things in your life than for you to help them with things in their life. They are enthusiastic about what you’re into, talking about it with you and contributing to it themselves.
- They have no history of lying or cheating in their life.