Wait to Have Sex?
If there’s one dating topic I’m most passionate about, this is it: How to handle sex in a relationship.
It is an extremely crucial part of a relationship. I have learned so much about this topic over time! I’m going to give you my best advice here. I’m a spiritual person but I’m not a religious person. These are beliefs formed from experience, wisdom, and research!
Realize how important sex is to men
Most women don’t get how much sex is just about everything to a man. Being able to touch a woman’s voluptuous body, soft skin, lady bumps, and more, is literally the best thing on earth to men. Women don’t get how much men would just die to feel and see a woman’s beautiful body and hair. As women we are us and we don’t get quite how much it means to men. We hold the power of if we will give this over to the man—it is extreme power. You must learn to harness that power, properly and healthfully.
Sex is the ultimate thing a woman can give a man. This is hard for women to understand because sex is not the ultimate thing a man can give a woman. Going around giving sex away to men is the ultimate thing that will leave you powerless as a woman, but if you learn to control it it is one of the ways to harness and enhance your own power.
There are MANY men in society (both today and in the past) that go around just trying to get sex from any woman. It’s pathetic and it’s disgusting. We women think the guy likes us because, in our minds, he’s acting like he does. But most of the time he doesn’t even really like you, yet he’s trying within a date or two to get you to give him a blowjob. Are you going to let men use you and your body like this?
Don’t just give away the ultimate thing about you!
As previously stated, to a man the ultimate thing you can give him is sex. So if you go around giving it away after a date, or two, or few, guess what? He’ll think you’re low-value and just to be used for sex. Even if he is a better type of guy! You demonstrated to him that you give away all that you are after not even knowing someone, after the guy did almost nothing for you.
That is like after a couple dates a guy flirtatiously giving you a lot or all of his money just because he thinks he likes you—to demonstrate a type of equivalent. Most women would take money that a man wants to give them, but would that result in the woman liking him? No, she’d think he’s a weirdo and there’s something wrong with him. I argue to you that when you get sexual or have full-on sex with a guy soon into the relationship he thinks there’s something wrong with you!
Many men start to feel “owed” sexual favors after buying a woman a drink or dinner, and some women feel like they owe a guy after he buys her such things. But you don’t owe him ANYTHING no matter what dates he has paid for, or for anything else he does for you. Some people have this idea that after having bought dinner for a girl, she should give him sex. Like that’s some sort of equivalent!!! I don’t know what to tell you if you think a $10 or $20 drink or tacos a guy buys you—the value of which you could have handed to you on most street corners by putting your hand out for a few minutes—is the equivalent to giving your body over to a man, risking life-destroying diseases, and putting on the line your ultimate, most vulnerable physical and emotional parts of yourself. It is absolutely pathetic to think that anything physical is owed to a guy.
What you may not realize is that men “get” a lot even from just being on a date with you. Do you know that sometimes men pay for services to just spend non-sexual time in a woman’s company? Your mere presence is like a gift-from-God to him, so don’t think you owe him anything EVER.
The problem women get into is that they want to please a guy. After all, good women care about the thoughts and feelings of a guy so if he wants to get sexual a good woman often wants to accommodate that. But you need to learn that this is the farthest thing from what you should do. You should not be sexual with a guy at all in the beginning of a relationship, for all the reasons stated here!
The funny thing is that if you actually don’t be sexual with a guy, he’ll respect you more and want you more. Don’t believe me? Try it out and see for yourself. I think a lot of women don’t know that this truly works, maybe better than anything else, to get a guy to keep being interested and pursuing you.
Waiting helps prevent you from being used by men
If you’re going to be used by a man, it would almost always be through sex. Men who use women usually believe women are only good for one thing—sex. And these men have no sleepless nights over taking it when given to them.
I think many women would find the mentality of men dumbfounding if they knew what it really is. Guys think very differently than us. Guys are much more naturally users than women, in my opinion. Most of them think it’s perfectly okay to “take” and “use” for their pleasure, and they know that it is using someone. They have the mentality that if someone is giving it, then it’s okay to take it. Regardless of what their true feelings are about the other person.
To illustrate my point and show you how vastly different men think, I’ll tell you about something my father told me once. When I was dating one time, I told him about someone I had a first date with and that it went well. My dad told me that something about the guy was bad and that it likely means the guy was already married. Our discussion led me to see that I shouldn’t go out with the guy again and I told my dad that. My dad then said that I could keep going out with him and get free dinners. And my dad was serious. In horror and disgust at what my dad was saying, I said “No, I’m not going to go out with him again!” Mind you, my dad is a very good person—he’s one of the good guys out there. He’s always been loving, giving, and devoted to our family, yet that was something that my dad thought—I could keep going out with a guy that pretty much for sure was a scumbag, knowing I don’t want anything serious with him at all, and just get free meals! My own father!!
I give you this example because it shows there’s a fundamental difference in the mentality of men and women. Most women would not continue seeing a person they see no future at all with, but I believe most men would continue those relationships for the benefits they receive (an I have seen a lot of proof that men tend to do this). Men think, Hey, if she’s dishing this out to me, why wouldn’t I take it? Disgusting.
This is why the onus is on women to weed through men and learn how to decipher things. If there’s going to be good, lasting, loving relationships it is up to women to make them happen. Men *think they are* okay with going around just taking some sex here and there, getting attention here and there, etc. Men need real relationships, and benefit greatly from them, too, but women are the ones to really make them happen.
People are attracted when they think they’re getting what they want
When a woman appears to have what a guy wants, he is attracted. If a guy is just out in the dating world looking for sex (way too many men are BTW!), and a woman is offering that up, well there you go he will be attracted. By you taking sex off the table, you will make the guys just looking for that run away—AWESOME! But if you appear to be offering it, even if you plan on waiting a little while, he may just keep staying around for a while because he thinks it’s coming. So don’t seem too flirty or sexual, don’t insinuate that that’s coming anytime soon. Put him in his place to know that you two are getting to know each other. If he pushes at all you can even flat out say, “I don’t sleep with people I don’t know.” Be confident in this. A good man will actually appreciate this perspective and attitude.
Women think doing it will make the relationship keep going well
This is a HUGE fallacy that happens very frequently to women. A woman thinks that she wanted to wait and not rush with someone, but now she’s met a guy she likes. It’s earlier than she was thinking but she talks herself into getting sexual, thinking that will keep him interested and keep the relationship going well. It makes sense in her mind. But this couldn’t be further from the truth!
The exact opposite is true. As discussed above, getting sexual with a guy acts like a repellent to him. He will now consider you trashy, even though he will most likely still happily take you up on sex as much as you like, all while actively looking for someone else who actually values herself. Men want to marry someone who has self-love and self-respect above all else.
In his mind, it is not “Aww, she really likes me that’s why she’s getting sexual with me.” It is “Score tonight with this slut!” and then he forgets you tomorrow. If you want a guy to actually think you are the real deal and keep being interested in you, DO NOT get sexual with him in the beginning.
Guys push about sex because it is hard-wired into their DNA to do so. In my opinion though, I actually think part of them is disappointed if you get sexual with them in the beginning of the relationship. They’re disappointed because they now think you’re trashy and not “the one.” They do not get to wait and anticipate any longer while getting to know and like you more. They forever think you’re the low-value catch and they are still on the hunt for the girl who’s harder to get because she’s worth more and wouldn’t like a guy so soon and for so little.
You may be wondering, “How long should I wait?” I believe in getting to know someone without even kissing in the beginning. It’s more like friends, but don’t call it that. It is courtship to see if you want to date this person. During this time, he should be taking you out on dates and you two should otherwise be getting exposed to each other’s lives to see his work situation, home, family, friends, etc. You are accessing this person in general at a removed, unemotional, unattached distance. You care but like less than a friend. You are casually seeing how it is being in his presence. Is there natural chemistry in your personalities? Do you have some common interests? What are his general life goals? What kind of qualities does his family and friends have? Etc.
That’s the “first phase.” After about age 25, the first phase can take anywhere from maybe a month to six months or more. It’s difficult to put timelines on it because of factors such as how often you’re seeing each other and having contact, and how quickly the two of you want to progress to something more.
The second phase would be now you actually know each other and he has asked you to be exclusive with him and be his girlfriend. You should know that pretty much ALL men will be pursuing other women actively while dating you and appearing to be into you. Guys have no problem with this. Many men actually still keep in contact with other women even after getting you to say you’ll be their girlfriend and be exclusive to them.
That’s why I think the first phase should be long, which means you DO NOT become exclusive with him for a while. It also means not being sexual either—not kissing or anything else. You’re seeing other people and getting to know him. You do not get serious with him in any way until you two have known each other at least for months and he’s shown his true character to you.
Warning: Most guys will want things to go much faster than this! You are in the driver seat though and have the control. Once you realize men pursue other women while dating you, it’s easier to control yourself with him and hold him off. Once he starts dating you, usually within the first couple weeks he’s going to try to ask you to be exclusive and be his girlfriend. Just say, “We’re still getting to know each other, so we’ll see.”
Once you’ve actually known each other for months and then truly decide to see only each other, still hold off on getting sexual much. He now needs to prove himself in the boyfriend role.
What to tell him about sex
The only thing you need to remember to say to him about this topic is, “We’re still getting to know each other.” Say it kindly, gently, but also firmly and confidently. Don’t say it with attitude or negativity—that’ll drive him away. Don’t say it like you’re having a hard time resisting him—that’ll just make him force himself on you more.
Don’t give reasons or excuses, don’t justify, don’t explain. “We’re still getting to know each other,” says everything and if he can’t understand that or pushes back on you, leave him immediately. This ends up being a test of him, how he deals with this topic. If he’s understanding and patient, that’s good. If not, get outta there.
My true opinion
It is a rare belief today but I believe it’s best to wait at least until the guy is pretty much proposing to you before having sex. Some women make the guy wait three or six months, but I think he should be like, “Let’s do this,” about you living together and be on the brink of marriage first.
I believe this for many reasons, including:
- Guys usually don’t call off a relationship (girls do it) so even if the relationship is not really right to him he will keep on seeing you, then eventually (usually years later) you realize he’s not going to marry you.
- A guy will be like, “Let’s do this” to the relationship, or not, and it doesn’t really ever change. He’ll feel like that about you from day one or not. So it’s not going to be like he’s not like that for two years and then suddenly he is. Don’t waste time with guys who are not all on-board about you, learn to see the difference in guys when they are all on-board or not.
- Make him prove his true self to you—financially and otherwise—before giving the ultimate thing about you. Do you know how unbelievably frequent guys date other women while dating, engaged or married to someone?? I say, put your finances on the line, then I’ll consider risking my body for you. What do you think has more value—your body or thousands or even millions of dollars? Your body (and life) are priceless—money does not even compare. Make him actually prove himself to you before devoting even part of your life to him or handing over your body.
Wait for a guy who is all about you—enthralled with you and proves it over time. Wait until he actually puts pen to paper about your relationship, too. Don’t be a woman who forever regrets the two-, five-, or ten-year long relationship of sexually pleasing a man, acting as his wife, to never have him really want to get married or be serious.